Vox Polis

It takes real effort for a government to be “not fit for purpose”. It’s not just the big headline grabbing stuff like losing criminals and filling prisons to bursting point the small things count as well. Rubber stamps for instance:

When a government department can’t even rubber stamp stuff you know there’s trouble. At the time of posting it’s unclear if this stamp shortage applies only to stamps for the mystical “Untied Kingdom” or to our own country as well. Whether the big split will make a jot of difference remains to be seen.

After our successful predictions last year, here are 7 things to look out for in 2007.

1. Saddam Hussein’s zombie will make an appearance in the French General Election and beat Sarkozy.
2. Lembit Opik will use the Lib Dem repeal appeal to make bigamy legal and subsequently marry both Cheeky Girls.
3. Cliff Richard will summon God to extend copyright term to a 1000 years.
4. Tony will reveal the identity of his “big, clunking fist” to be his old mate Silvio Berlusconi.
5. NASA will discover life on Mars in a manned expedition, the debate over whether the life was intelligently designed or evolved will split America in two.
6. There will be free and fair elections in Iraq.
7. The police’s ancient law investigation unit will stop looking into the loans for honours scandal
   and instead focus on the widespread consumption of mince pies on Christmas Day.

We’re off to spend last year’s winnings from William Hill on getting ourselves an honour from Tony. Have a happy new year.

I always have a chuckle when I’m reminded of all those obscure laws that never get repealed. A law firm in Swansea has come up with a list of 10:

1. In Hereford you can shoot a Welsh person on a Sunday, with a longbow, in the Cathedral Close.
2. It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.
3. A bed may not be hung out of a window.
4. It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
5. It is illegal to be drunk on licensed premises.
6. Taxi drivers are required to ask all passengers if they have smallpox or the plague.
7. Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).
8. Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
9. Throughout the whole of England it is illegal to eat mince pies on December 25.
10. You can shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow in Chester, inside the city walls and after midnight.

A few years ago Richard Smith and Bateman decided to travel America to break as many obscure laws as they could. For example, it is illegal to go whaling in the landlocked state of Utah or fall asleep in a cheese factory in South Dakota.

I wish someone would do the same in the UK. But trouble is you might get arrested. Look how seriously Scotland Yard are taking the obscure law that forbids the sale of honours.

I think that this is more likely to cause more accidents than prevent them - but I’m not a Dane. It seems that those Danes will do anything to make their roads safer. I wonder what happens when it gets cold?

Interestingly it’s taken the BBC a week to pick up this story.

On Tuesday leave your headphones at home and don’t recharge your iPod, because its No Music Day. A great opportunity to tell off all your noisy, obnoxious fellow passengers on the tube, bus or train to turn their music players off - I’d like to see that.

In support Resonance FM will not be playing any music - will anyone notice?

Only feel sorry for Vox Polis contributor Jonny - he’s playing live on Tuesday evening - At least it’ll be quiet.

Well i’m just not nerdy enough.  Are you?

Rate which Tory you hate the most at this new website.  Some obscure ones on there too, but unsurprisingly Thatcher’s currently number one.

Last week we saw the start of British Food Fortnight, European Day of Languages and the launch of the Good Pub Guide with the 62p a pint gimmick (hardly any pubs took part, and Jonny turned up late therefore missing out on cheap beer).

According to the scientific Googlefight mechanism, the European Day of Language won, with Food Fortnight coming second (its still got another week) and the Pub Guide in third place.

This week it is Walk to School Week, and International Walk to School Month - so presumably the message is if you like walking keep doing it.

Then there’s World Animal Day and World Space Week – not animals in space week.

Oh and Don’t forget Poetry Day and the 8^th Smile Day on Friday.

Right, I’m off to run over a dog in my car, whilst reading a book and looking very grumpy.

It’d be fair to say that we’re a little fond of beer at Vox Polis so there was much excitement at the news that the Good Pub Guide are celebrating their 25th anniversary tomorrow (not next week as we previously suggested). Admittedly the birthday of a guidebook isn’t terribly exciting but the fact that they’re celebrating with beer available at 1980s prices is big news - John Prescott big. Some of the Vox Polis team should be at or around the Olde Mitre in Holborn drinking Adnams for 62p. A full list of pubs taking part can be found here (or possibly at the Good Pub Guide website when it’s working).

Between now and then how about doing some of the following to put yourself in the mood:

• Watch all 13 minutes of the Thriller video.
• Get an artificial heart.
• Wonder how many times Israel can go to war with Lebanon.
• Invade the Falklands.